Friday, November 19, 2010

Winter's a-Coming Dammit

I used to love winter. Wait a minute, back up. Maybe I didn't so much 'love' winter as simply tolerate it better than I do now. Well, even that isn't the truest of statements. Let's say I liked winter more than brussel sprouts but less than double chocolate chip ice cream. Whew, now that that's established we can move on. Happy about that aren't you?



Way back in the day I worked for NCDOT and loved it. If a person could have a relationship with a dump truck then I had one with mine. Her name was Sapphire. She was a five speed, automatic PTO, sunshine yellow hunka hunka burning love. Nothing made me happier than cruising along in my dump truck hauling dirt and debris away from a worksite or loads of gravel to roads being repaired. Color me in heaven. The only thing better was when it snowed. I would tremble in ecstasy. My boss would shake his head and call me politically incorrect names. I didn't care. Bring on the snow. From 8:00 pm to 8:am I drove my route spreading salt and sand and pushing snow with glee. I loved watching it arc gracefully off the plow, sending inadequately mounted mailboxes sailing into the air. That was an extra special treat. Sometimes I would stop in the middle of the road and have a cigarette.



There was an all-night store near the interstate where I would stop for a cup of coffee every time I passed by. I used to joke that I didn't know if it was the caffeine that kept me awake or having to pee all the time. One winter there was a nice young man who would give my coffee to me every time I stopped. I always thanked him because I truly appreciated it. I could put away a lot of coffee on those nights. Like me that young man worked a second job (I delivered pizza on the weekends) and I saw him at another stop-and-shop during the summer months. It took me a while to recognize him because, well, I'd never seen him while I was totally conscious. Once I realized who he was I told him how grateful I was for all the coffee he had given me during the course of that particular winter when I had often worked weeks at a time without a day/night off. He smiled and told me he had been afraid to do otherwise. Gee, thanks dude.



Last year we had snowfall that broke all kinds of records. I would look out at all that snow with a heavy heart. I miss my snowplow. I miss cruising along in the middle of the night, just me and my truck and the late night disc jockeys. Yep, those were the days. Snow isn't nearly as much fun as it used to be.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Great Accomplishments



With all the little children running around lately it seems I am in the midst of potty training more than I care to be. Lily pretty much trained herself while her younger sister Laney is a bit more challenged by the whole thing. Still, she's trying and that's all anyone can ask of a two year old.


I've just started keeping my nephew Dewey a few days a week so we're finding our common ground with the potty training thing. He's coming along quite nicely. If only I could figure out how to explain 'hold your penis and watch where you're aiming'. It ain't like I can teach by example.


To make things more interesting and to hopefully encourage Laney to go potty by herself (instead of having me take her for mandatory pee breaks every hour) I have invented the "Clean pants happy dance". You can sing-song 'clean pants happy dance' anyway you want to. Around here it varies from Buddy Holly tunes to Klingon opera. The dance should suitably match the tune. (Have you ever tried to dance to Klingon opera? Go ahead. I dare you.) The happy dance has become so popular than anytime someone in this house takes a pee it's a potty training production of "Annie". Yep, making peepee in the potty is a really big deal around here.


A couple of days ago the girls were here and we were messing about like we always do. You know, disco dancing in fairy outfits and shit like that. I try to sneak off to the bathroom to do my thing because like all young children, the girls are fascinated with the bodily fluids of everyone they know and most everyone else too. Sometimes I try to remember what it was like to go to the bathroom by myself. I sat down on the toilet and just as I started to pee Laney came in. Her little face lit up like sunshine. She ran to me and wrapped her little arms around my neck so tightly I thought she would choke me. In between the kisses she was smothering my face with she said brightly "You made tinkles in the potty!!!" I've never had anyone be so proud of me for anything but suddenly, the most important accomplishment of my life was taking a piss.


They say you get what you give. I hope I've made Laney feel half as good as she makes me feel because getting that much love is AWESOME!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

When Life Sucks

I'm out of pain meds. It sucks when the arthritis targets everything from my earlobes to the joints in my toes.

10:30 go to bed

11:00 get up and put heating pad that Marvelous Maggie made for me into the nuker.

11:02 go back to bed and wrap heating pad around whatever it reaches that hurts.

11:30 get up and turn TV on.

11:33 put heating pad back in nuker.

11:35 tune into Letterman and wrap heating pad around me.

11:37 revel in the fact that Robert Downey Jr. is on Letterman

12:00 finally made it through Letterman's obligatory shit to RD Jr. He's wonderful.

12:15 tuned to CSI:NY on USA

It is now 1:52 a.m. and I'm finished with the bottle of wine. I hate being drunk on a normal day but I especially hate being drunk when it doesn't accomplish the target goal of getting rid of the pain.

Maybe later I will go into how much it hurt when my sister gave up on me today when we met for lunch. I won't do that again.

I want to apologize to my mom who complained of pain and who for years I wrote off as being a giant wuss... It has all come back to me with a vengeance.

For some reason my PA cut my pain meds and here I am in the middle of the night desperately wishing I could go to sleep. Lily and Laney will be here in 3 hours. I will be totally crazy in pain when they get here and will not be able to deal with them with any sort of patience. I'm sorry babies. I love you. Honestly I do.

They think I don't love them. I wish I was dead. For a thousand reasons, I wish I was dead. When you're dead the pain stops, right? Please tell me the pain stops. I don't know how much longer I can take it.