I'm out of pain meds. It sucks when the arthritis targets everything from my earlobes to the joints in my toes.
10:30 go to bed
11:00 get up and put heating pad that Marvelous Maggie made for me into the nuker.
11:02 go back to bed and wrap heating pad around whatever it reaches that hurts.
11:30 get up and turn TV on.
11:33 put heating pad back in nuker.
11:35 tune into Letterman and wrap heating pad around me.
11:37 revel in the fact that Robert Downey Jr. is on Letterman
12:00 finally made it through Letterman's obligatory shit to RD Jr. He's wonderful.
12:15 tuned to CSI:NY on USA
It is now 1:52 a.m. and I'm finished with the bottle of wine. I hate being drunk on a normal day but I especially hate being drunk when it doesn't accomplish the target goal of getting rid of the pain.
Maybe later I will go into how much it hurt when my sister gave up on me today when we met for lunch. I won't do that again.
I want to apologize to my mom who complained of pain and who for years I wrote off as being a giant wuss... It has all come back to me with a vengeance.
For some reason my PA cut my pain meds and here I am in the middle of the night desperately wishing I could go to sleep. Lily and Laney will be here in 3 hours. I will be totally crazy in pain when they get here and will not be able to deal with them with any sort of patience. I'm sorry babies. I love you. Honestly I do.
They think I don't love them. I wish I was dead. For a thousand reasons, I wish I was dead. When you're dead the pain stops, right? Please tell me the pain stops. I don't know how much longer I can take it.
keep writing and i'll keep reading
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