Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Go Ahead... Laugh.

This week has been so awful I don't even know where to begin. Maybe I should start with the vicious murder of my laying hens by some unknown creature. I found their feathers covering the yard when I went to feed them on Monday morning. Hubby decided the chickens should be let out during the day which was fine with me but I asked him to please close the door to the coop when he fed in the evenings so the chickens would be safe overnight. Guess what... For some reason closing the door to the coop was just too much trouble. I closed it whenever I was outside but I am normally in the house cooking supper so I couldn't always get to it.

Not having fresh eggs is the least of it. One of the hens was named Loverly. She has been here for a couple of years and she was sweet as honey. She would run to meet me every time I was outside and followed me around clucking as if we were carrying on a conversation. She ate treats from my hand and pecked at my ankles if I tried to ignore her. Yes, I loved that hen and it breaks my heart to think she died in terror while being torn to pieces. I keep getting mental images of that so sleeping has been kind of hard to do.

To add insult to injury, Hubby went to the Verizon store to get a new battery for my mom's phone. Easy task, right? We've had the same phones for four years. The numbers were rubbing off mine but it worked just fine. It was a simple phone. You know... the kind that makes calls, sends text messages and wakes me up in the morning. All I ever needed in a phone was right there in my hand. I have dropped that phone on rocks while riding my mule and it was none the worse for it. The goats have stepped on it and kicked it under the milk stand. It kept right on working. I loved that phone. Not much survives my clumsiness but that phone did it with ease. And then Hubby comes in with a Droid. WTF??? Folks, I have no fucking idea what to do with that thing.

Hubby likes to brag to people he got something fancy for me when in reality he buys what he wants and then justifies it by pawning it off on me. I spent 90 minutes with a nice young man at the Verizon store trying to learn how to work that damn machine. The very first thing I said as I entered the building was "Honey, the next time a big, inbred fucktard comes in here, points at something and says 'Oooh, shiney' please consider the people at home trying to put food on the table before you let the aforementioned fucktard buy anything'. The nice young man, Aaron, listened as I explained to him that a widget was not a good thing when I was growing up and that I had no idea what a wiki was but evidently they weren't worth a shit because it was all over the news that they leaked. He said "Pizza Hut" to the phone and a map came up. I very gently explained to Aaron that the Pizza Hut was a mile up the road and had been there for years. The only places I ever go is WalMart, Food Lion and my milking room. I've been going to Food Lion for 20 years without a map and I'm reasonably certain I can go another 20 without getting lost. Even the goats can find the milkroom without a map. I haven't been to a restaurant since I visited my children last June so that app is useless to me. Should I get to go back to San Francisco, my son has an Iphone and he can find the restaurants. My computer is four feet to the right of my favorite chair so I don't need a Droid to read my email. The TV is across the living room from that same chair. I have DirecTV (thanks to my nephew) and Netflix (thanks to my son). I have basic knowledge of the remote and can set the DVR to record my favorite shows. I live in a pissant Biblethumper town in BFE. Why on earth do I need a Droid? If I lived near civilization and had something resembling a life it would be different but...??? When I left Aaron, I still couldn't make a phone call. Less than 24 hours later as I struggled for ten minutes trying to type a text message I succeeded in dropping the phone and smashing it. Hubby got another one that evening but since Aaron has gone on vacation this phone isn't set up like the first one and if I couldn't work that one, I certainly can't make this one do anything.

I have spent the last five days sobbing until I'm sick at my stomach and my eyes are swollen shut. Hubby thinks it's hilarious to watch me try to figure something out while he and his family laugh their asses off. You would think I'd be used to being the butt of the family jokes by now but in reality it hurts just as much as it ever did. I went with my nephew to the Verizon store and we traded phones. He has the Droid and I've got something that's all scratched up and says "What are you looking at fucker" as a ringtone. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that but I am pretty sure I need to find something that won't prompt Lily and Laney to ask what a fucker is. *sigh* And it's only the middle of the week...

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